My only sister and sibling is getting married in four days. Although I am extremely happy for her, considering I never thought she would be married or be a stepmother or be good at either one of those things, I can feel my childhood slipping away, nay our childhood slipping away. It is hard to imagine that we our days of scrounging for change to walk to the store to get fake nails and candy, putting on tights and making up dances on the kitchen floor to pretend we were in "The Cutting Edge" every holiday, making up songs about robots putting their elbows on the table or using the video camera to make a mock news show featuring "an escaped lion" also known as our fluffy orange cat, Fido are over. Yes, over the years I have been able to recognize that things rarely ever stay the same. Friends move away, parents and pets pass, the smell of houses change, family dynamics flip upside down and children, inevitably, grow up. I was fine with it all. But then I saw her in her wedding dress. All these memories came flooding back, all the songs, all the games, all the moments when we laughed so hard we cried, the moments that make us sisters...none of them seemed so important as when I saw her in that dress. The dress that she is about to embark a whole new adventure in with a new best friend, making new memories, making new family dynamics. I really am happy for her, she has become such a strong, intelligent and caring woman and maybe I'm just jealous that now this whole new family gets to experience all that is my sister. And she is no longer just a sister and daughter. She is a wife and a mother now. She'll be taking care of them now, instead of her baby sister. And she is going to do great and she'll be so happy, every bit of which she deserves.
I knew this would be hard without our mother. The first thing that went through our heads was "She won't be at our weddings or with her grandchildren when we have them". Everyone felt this huge gap, this huge horrifying hole missing in everything the past week. Yes, the day to day does get easier. It isn't the day to day you need to worry about after a certain amount of time. It's the events that they are supposed to be there for. And the hardest part is accepting the plan so wholly that you don't tell yourself how it's supposed to be anymore. And the big events make it almost unbearable. I can't tell you how to get over it. I can't tell you "do this and everything will be okay" because I'm still having a mental breakdown about it and we aren't even over the hardest part yet; standing up at the alter, looking out at the crowd of people and seeing my father, sitting next to an empty seat, representing the missing hole in our hearts, will be the hardest. But I know it will be hardest for him more than anyone. People will tell you all these cliches like "time heals all wounds" and I can tell you right now, those cliches do not make it any easier.
I know in my heart that she'll be there. I know that she will be smiling and laughing and bursting with pride and joy in her daughter that grew up to be such a spectacular, caring and amazing person. Which I know is all my sister really wants, is the permission and approval of her mother. I hope my sister feels her there. I hope something happens that is so apparent to her that she knows she is there watching her. I hope she knows that my mother couldn't be more proud of her oldest daughter and is watching her with every step, reassuring her and supporting her. I hope she knows that my mother knows that she is making the right decision. I hope she knows that my mother is confident in the fact that is prepared to work on and make this marriage work. I hope she knows how much my mother loves her. I hope she knows that she will always know what to do in her heart. It was the plan, it was always the plan and all we have to do is learn to accept it.
I love you Ashleigh, with everything I have. My life and childhood would have never been as fun or as whole without you as my moral compass and best friend. I love you so much and I know that Friday is the beginning of a whole new life for you, filled with learning, laughter and love. You deserve every last bit of it.
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